Dane Cook Quotes

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What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens ...

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

I HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car, you dont know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What I dont know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a bitch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments i will never get back!"

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

That would be great if that was a real cereal ... start your day off the holy way with Christ Chex ... its a miracle in a bowl

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